Forget or Fall
by Elodie Grimmesey
Summary: Shane Walsh never went into the woods with Rick Grimes. He went through with his word and left the farm. Trying to drive as far as he possibly can from the past, Shane meets a weird group in a motel and sees that he can be more than a devil to these people. When his old group finds him, will Shane forget about Lori and his baby or will he fall to the bottom again?
1. 1 - People Who Don't Know You

**1 - People Who Don't Know You**

* * *

Shane Walsh was sitting on the hood of the Hyundai, staring at his old partner. The sheriff stood alone, despite the group scattered behind him. Shane knew what was coming, had known since the man had taken over from him in Atlanta. His reckoning was here, in a way, and Shane would do a lot of things before he let Rick take what little he had left away from him.

"You were my brother, Shane." Rick said, standing calmly as though his hand wasn't on the pistol grip of his colt, "You know I don't want to do this."

"But you ain't got the balls to shoot me. It's what you should do. You're already halfway there, with your hand on your piece." Shane was mad, but he didn't move from his position just yet. They all watched him, a gawking crowd. Andrea, who'd once said that they were the two odd people, now stood with them and watched it go down. He shoulda left with her when he had the chance. "Even now, you ain't gonna fight for 'em? You gonna send me away so I can go get some group of assholes and bring them right back to this farm?"

"You won't do that, Shane." Rick said, keeping his hand on his gun,

"You sure 'bout that? You know I'm a better father than you Rick. I'm better for Lori than you, man. It's cause I'm a better man than you, Rick. 'Cause if I was you right now I'd fight for it." He strode forward, towards Rick, and raised his voice without realizing. "Let me tell you somethin'. You got a broken woman. You got a weak boy. You ain't got a damn clue how to fix it! Raise your gun!"

He stopped just short of the man, waiting. All he needed was Rick to try and fire at him and he could take his gun, shoot him. Lori would see Rick tryna kill him, see that Shane was strong and she'd come back to him. She loved him, she knew that she loved him and not Rick.

"Leave, and don't you ever come near _my_ family again, Shane." Rick paused for a moment, and Shane didn't move, " _Leave!_ "

Shane looked at the group who watched him. He was wearing a grin that didn't reach his eyes, and the semblance of a smile dropped when he looked back to the sheriff. "You're weak, Rick. Someone is gonna come along, is gonna take your family from you, and you ain't ever gonna be able to stop them because you're _weak_."

He looked past Rick, to the people waiting around, "Last chance to come with me, people. Let me tell you, this man did not do shit. Who kept you safe for two damn months in the quarry? Who organized runs into Atlanta, got you people water? _I did!_ He left the camp undefended, got Amy killed. He took us to the CDC, got Jacqui killed. _He destroys everything!_ "

No one stepped forward, but Shane always knew that they wouldn't. He was stood, arms flung wide, his eyes wide and crazy and murderous.

"You aimed a gun at my head. You tried to hurt _my_ wife at the CDC. You did god-knows-what to Otis. You disobeyed me, disobeyed everyone, and you stormed into that barn. That was the last straw. I am being strong, Shane. Either you leave or we all do, that's what Hershel said. So you go. You go _now_ or we go into those woods right now, _brother_."

"You wanna stay with him, Lori? You wanna watch while he gets your son killed, while he gets our baby killed?" Shane laughed, couldn't help it, "You people best not come findin' me for help when this jackass gets you killed."

Shane opened the door of the Hyundai, the one he'd gotten ready on the highway to leave with all those days ago, climbing into it and slamming the door with a thunk. The bags he'd packed in the back, the ones he'd thought to unpack when Lori asked him to stay, rolled off the seat and onto the floor as he reversed the car. He gave the group one last glance in the rearview mirror as he pulled away, and drove for the farm path, knowing that staying with the group would have killed him if he hadn't killed Rick first.

* * *

He'd been alone for a week. Shane had thought he'd be better alone, but it was weighing on him. He'd eaten nothing but one tin of beans a day for the last three days and it was taking its toll on him. Shane had set off for Fort Benning, seen a spray-painting on a sign that said it was gone, and done a full-blown turn and headed up to Newnan. Now that he was here, he had nothing to show for it but this shitty little cabin just outside of the town and his last can of beans empty on the ground.

Thoughts of Lori and Rick and Carl and Otis filled his head all the time, and occasionally Sophia, Jacqui, Jim, but Shane felt better. Starving and exhausted, yeah, but he felt the need to go back to Lori waning with every mile he put between himself and the farm. Maybe he'd ditch Georgia altogether, head to Fort Knox in Kentucky. Even if it was gone, it was far away from Georgia. Shane needed miles and miles between him and the man. Otherwise, he'd go back and put a bullet in his old friend to try and take his wife, the one he'd become so obsessed with. Damn, that had been a mistake.

Shane still wasn't sure whether he was just jealous of Rick and Lori falling in love so early while he kept on being a bachelor, having off and on again stints with the hottest girls in town looking for something like that, or if he really did care for Lori. Some part of him said the latter, but the rest of him needed it to be the former because he couldn't do this. He could see his mistakes, all laid out before him, and there was no changing falling in love with Lori, or begging her to come back to him, or busting open that barn, but maybe he could get himself far enough away that

He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't hear the noise of a car or cars pulling up until they were real close. He jumped up, grasping his shotgun, and he pressed himself against the wall beside the window. Just one car outside. A dirty white pickup with a man sat in the back, a semi-automatic in his arms. Shane swore, knowing it'd be hard to take down him and whoever was in the cab. He heard the truck doors slam and moved to the back door.

At it, he tried to see through the boards over its window but couldn't, and quietly swung it open to the sight of a woman, hunting rifle pointed right at him.

"You aren't dead," she commented, and Shane raised his shotgun to shoot. Another gun cocked behind him. How had they surrounded him so quickly? The black woman before him said, "Take the aim of that shotgun away from my chest. I like my body just like this, not peppered with holes."

"You heard the girl." a deeper voice said, "Drop it or I'll blow your brains all over this here wall."

Shane put one hand in the air, crouching to place his shotgun on the ground. He didn't have much choice, not when shooting one of them meant the other had a chance to fire. Surrender was all he had, as much as it made his mouth taste bitter.

"Kick it to her." the voice said again, and he did, pushing it with his foot. She retrieved it, and Shane noted the silver cross hanging around her neck. If she was religious then he could use that.

"I ain't lookin' for trouble." he said, "Jus' tryna survive, so long as God lets me."

The woman raised an eyebrow, "A holy man, huh? You don't look the type. I sure ain't. Come on, preacher, back through to the couch." His lie had backfired, and Shane remembered to just point and shoot next time.

Shane turned around, seeing the tall black-haired man behind him back up slowly as he kept his gun trained on Shane. He needed to be patient, wait until they lowered their weapons and then grab the handgun from the back of his pants. As he stepped back towards the couch, he saw another woman who'd been behind the man. She had her blonde hair twisted into a bun, defining the sharp angles of her face as she stood opposite the couch.

Shane sat when the man gestured for him to, making sure to lie back to conceal the piece hidden under his shirt.

The two kept their weapons up, stood on either side of the couch. The blonde one didn't have a gun out, though he saw a rifle strapped to her back and a handgun at her waist.

"You got a name?" she asked, drawling the words.

"What's it to you?" he sneered. Manners wouldn't save him now, and these people didn't need to know. Shane felt the anger building in him and would have flipped if not for the two guns pointed at them. He was willing to bet that they wouldn't shoot, but Shane thought he might be able to get something from these people.

"If you're an asshole then we can go on our way. We saw your car, all clean looking, and figured someone was here."

Shane felt his head aching from the lack of food, sleep, everything. "Man, who are you people?"

"Hopefully, friends." She leaned back against the fireplace, looking down at him, "What's your name?"

He was reluctant to answer the question, but her mention of friends made him hopeful that maybe these people had a group far away. "Shane."

"You got a group, Shane?" she asked, her face neutral as she stared at him. He felt like he was being evaluated, picked apart and studied by this woman who couldn't have been more than thirty-five.

"Not anymore." he slowly moved one hand back across the couch, towards where his gun was, "They died."

"You want a new group?" she asked, a slow smile spreading across her face, "You seem smart, smart enough not to trust us. Don't pull out whatever weapon's in your pants, Shane, cause none of us want blood on our hands."

"I don't need no one." he scowled, moving his hand away. No need to get his head blown off. The blonde reached her cowboy boot out, knocking over the empty can of beans and sending it rolling across the room.

"You need food?" Her smile grew, knowing what he wanted, "We got food, we got beds and space and all that. Come back with us."

"Why would you-" the man with the semi-automatic blurted out, but she interrupted him.

"Eddy, you ain't the leader so shut your trap." Shane looked at 'Eddy', the one with the semi-automatic, and saw him roll his eyes. Maybe not the most functional group, but Shane's head had been spinning ever since she said they had food. "You wanna come with us, Shane?"

"I don't even know yer names."

"I'm Tess Clare. That's my brother, Edison, and that's Athena." the blonde introduced, moving from her position against the fireplace, "We're on our way home now and it's a pretty long drive with the dead everywhere so I wanna get goin' before this morning's up. You comin' or you stayin'?"

Shane rubbed a hand over his head, not trusting these people but not thinking they were dangerous, either. His gut said to go because he was running on fumes and he felt faint almost all the time these last few days. A walker had pinned him up the day before and Shane had considered letting it bite him and joining the winning team. He'd lost Lori and Carl, lost his best friend, and he didn't have much at all now.

"I'm comin'," he said. He could always slip away in the night once he had food.

* * *

Shane watched as Tess parked the Hyundai, missing the weight of his gun. He still had a knife on his belt, so he wasn't completely defenseless. The fact that she'd driven for the last few hours with just him and a knife seemed a little stupid to Shane, but maybe she'd had a plan. She'd been quiet, occasionally making small talk, and Shane couldn't help but stare at the dip in her vest where the curve of her breast was visible.

He slammed the Hyundai door as he got out, and turned to see that there was a small crowd forming to see the new car and the new person. Great. He kept his head up, despite the stares.

"Everyone, this is Shane. We found him on our way back, just south of Newnan." Tess said, and Shane marveled at the way they all listened to the woman, "I'mma talk to him and then y'all can pester him all you want."

She started walking, gesturing to him to follow. Was outside of Griffin far enough from Senoia that he'd never see Rick again? She led him into the main lobby of the motel, where the front desk sat before a corkboard full of labeled keys.

"You can have a room, but I just need to ask you a few questions. Just what we do."

He leaned against the desk, watching her as she moved with the assured grace that reminded him of the dancers and cheerleaders from high school. She was hot.

"What'd you do before this?" she asked.

"Law enforcement. I was a police officer in King County."

"Edison was military, maybe you'll warm to each other," she commented, sitting down in the chair behind the desk. She kept her eyes on his as she asked the next question, "You ever kill anybody?"

"Just criminals, before all this. The uncooperative, dangerous ones." he lied. She didn't frown, but her eyes narrowed at him. Shane found himself wanting somewhere to stay that wasn't alone. Maybe he'd even convince Lori and Carl to join him here, one day. He wanted to stay and she couldn't know about Otis.

"You planning to stay here?"

"Yeah. I could use someone to have my back." Shane didn't think anyone had had his back since they got to the farm and Rick had left him for that redneck, Daryl. He'd been alone even while he was with that group, even when he'd been fucking Andrea after gun practice in the backseat of his Hyundai.

"I'll take that." she said, standing, "Pick a room number. 1 is the bottom floor, 2 is the top. The last two numbers are the room number, so 201 would be the second floor, room one."

"I'll take 212." he said, the first set of keys he set his eyes on. He wanted to be off the ground floor just in case the dead got through the rickety wall out front.

"Ah. Well, looks like we're neighbors." she grinned, tossing him the keys. Shane caught them and they jingled as he opened his palm back up.

"I don't gotta have that room."

"It's all good, just make sure you say hello to everyone, 'specially Eileen. She's the old lady who owned this place and she'll kill both of us if she doesn't hear all about you." she smiled at him, and then she was walking past him and outside.

Shane followed her and saw her going upstairs. He was about to follow, to find his own room when a voice called out.

"Mister, new person, hello!" he turned, seeing the little old lady called Ellen or Esther or something, stood behind him. He wondered what the best way to tell the woman to get lost was. She had grey curls around her wrinkled face and a fancy skirt on. A skirt, in all this. Bunch of fools and dead men walking, this group.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm Eileen, but I'm sure Tess told you that already."

"Shane Walsh." he introduced himself, "She mentioned talking to you."

"Welcome to Motel 41. Well, what's left of it."

"This is yours, ain't it?" Shane thought maybe that was why the old people were alive. The others had probably defended the place for them.

"Oh yes. My husband and I loved traveling in our youth, and when we realized it was time to settle down, we thought we should make a nice place for other travelers." she looked so damn happy that it made Shane irritated. He hadn't asked for her stupid story. The part of him that had appeared at the farm was threatening to come out, to yell at her like he'd yelled at Hershel, but he didn't. "Are you planning on staying?"

"Yeah." he said because saying he wasn't or that he didn't know would get him turned out on his ass and he wanted something decent to eat. Shane was starving.

"I hope that's sincere honey because this really is a nice group and we need more types like you."

"Like what?"

"Good men. You look a little dented, a little dinged and wide-eyed, but I think we can polish you up just fine."

"You're crazy." he rolled his eyes at the old woman, shifting his weight onto one leg and smirking to himself as he looked down at her. She was tiny and batshit and if she came anywhere near him with a cloth and polish, metaphorical or otherwise, he'd let her know where to put it.

"You say that honey, but I can see it. I do hope the Circle comes to a good conclusion about you."

"The Circle? What is this, the roundtable of King fuc- King Arthur?" Shane thought not to swear at the lady, something of his old-self reminding him of manners from the old world.

"Just a name I have for them, Tess' inner circle." she smiled, clearly enjoying knowing things that Shane did not, "Tess, her brother Edison, Atticus and Athena. Sweet old Adam doesn't care for all that politics like my husband and I, so Adam just keeps watch whenever they meet. He's on the gate, and all the others disappeared at once. That's when you know they're meeting, not that they ever hide it."

"If they're gonna kick me out then they best let me have a damn meal for traveling all the way here," he grumbled. Shane cast his eyes up to the upper portion of the motel and saw that Tess wasn't on the walkway. Was she actually with them, and that's why she'd walked away so quickly? 'course. She'd questioned him so she could report straight to her 'Circle' about him. Shane wished that the old lady had explained who everyone was instead of just blurting names at him. Edison though- he knew that name from the way over. Tess' brother, the one who didn't want him around. He was smart.

"We're having lunch soon. Delayed it for everyone's arrival." she smiled, "We got some old packaged pancakes and strawberries since it'll be our last harvest of them."

"You got strawberries?" his mouth gaped a little, and the woman pointed to the corner of the motel, up against the wall, and realized that the corner of the wall, where the grassy verge was, had been turned into a small farm.

"When Tess and her brother arrived, they gave us the idea to wall the place up and make a garden because we didn't know how long the military would be clearing the whole country up."

"They ain't coming," he said but was still salivating at the idea of strawberries.

"The military? Well, no one can know that, dear." she shook her head, "If you mean the strawberries, I know. We can't plant anymore, its probably getting to late fall now and they just won't flower in the cold."

"'m goin' to my room," he said, not wanting to argue with this old woman about the end of the world. Food or not, Shane was suddenly unsure about staying here. The Circle, what the hell? He didn't want to go out there again, though, not when these people didn't know who he was and thought he was good. It was a chance to get rid of everything he'd done, everything that had been irredeemable.

After he'd climbed the stairs and headed to the second-to-last room on the row, 212, and he was about to unlock his room when he saw through the window of the next room along. The whole group of them, Tess, her brother and two of the triplets, the girl and one of the men. He leaned close to listen and watch and saw Tess speaking, but Atticus was stood beside the window and he turned, seeing Shane. The others followed his gaze as he said something. There was a moment of them all staring at Shane and Shane quickly moved his head down to the lock of the door, keeping his eye on the window.

Atticus scowled at Shane, mouthing what was probably 'fuck off' before reaching out, forcefully dragging the curtains closed.

Shane was going to start hell if these people didn't give him his weapons back when they kicked him out. After that show, it wasn't much of a question that at least one person wanted him gone.

* * *

Sat on the floral bed, and figuring that it was actually kind of comfortable, he considered his options. He could stay, have food, but he didn't like the whole damn thing they had going on. If he left, Shane could easily end up in a bad spot. Not that he couldn't look after himself, but sometimes when he was alone all he could think about was Otis and he hadn't thought much about what had happened before this until he was here in the room, by himself again.

He hadn't wanted to kill Otis. Not one fucking bit, but he and Otis were going to die and if they died, Carl would die. He didn't know where having the idea to shoot Otis had come from, but at least it was smart. The right choice was the one that kept them alive. Two dead men and a dead child, or one dead man? It was an easy choice when he thought of it like that, but not when he'd been there. He wouldn't wish that decision on anyone, not even Rick.

Sometimes, he still heard Otis screaming.

While contemplating, Shane heard the noise on the other side of the wall rise. Where it had been mumbling before, he could hear the discussion now.

"—who the fuck do you think you are? You're an idiot. That man will rob us blind, kill us, leave us for dead! Who the fuck made you leader?"

Shane pressed his ear against the wall, feeling the cold, bumpy paint scratch at his face.

"—majority decision, Eddy. Why do you hate him so much?"

"Look at him! He rubs his head like a god-damned psychopath and you're asking me why I hate him?" Edison shouting. Shane had half a mind to punch the fucker in the jaw.

"Stop. We don't kill-" Tess? Shane couldn't tell who was against him and who wasn't, or even who was speaking.

"Maybe we should fucking consider it!"

"Edison, me and my brothers agree with her. Your sister is the leader, and we all agreed but you. Sit down." Not Tess. The triplet- Athena. So the triplets were on his side, and Tess, which meant Shane didn't need to worry too much about being sent back onto the road.

A door slammed, and Shane reeled backwards in time to see the tall man storm past the windows of his room, going somewhere. A moment later the voices resumed on the other side of the wall.

Shane heard more footsteps a moment later. He moved back to the bed and sat down, trying to work out what he'd do from here. He wanted out of this crazy ass group, but the world was harder alone. Still, it was too much like the mess that his old group had been in for Shane to know it would go well.

Someone knocked on the door.

"Come in." he called out, and it swung open to reveal Tess. Her bun was tidier than it had been, so she must have redone it, but she looked stressed out as she leaned against the doorframe.

"We're giving you one chance. You screw up, do anything to anyone in this group, you're gone," she said.

Shane looked to the floral armchair, everything floral in the room, but Tess didn't come in and sit and he didn't offer. Now wasn't the time to make passes, not when he'd ruined everything last time by being in love with Lori.

"And if I don't want to stay?"

"Then you get your guns and you go." she shifted, "Could use you, though. Whatever you probably heard then, it isn't a bad group. Edison is just…a little upset about it all. He went on Survivor a couple of years back, got pretty far, and they offered him a return to film this summer. Clearly, it didn't happen. It's all he can talk about, how good he was at almost manipulating everyone into following him, and how shitty it is that he didn't get to do his return season."

"He's that angry over a TV show?"

"Other things, too. His daughter, my niece, she died at the start of this. We went to get her from school and... she was dead with a whole bunch of reanimated kids. Those three kids staying here were the only ones alive, hidden in a cupboard."

"Sorry." he said, remembering how Carol had been after the barn. How he'd gone to her, apologised that Sophia had been in there, before Rick had sent him away.

"Isn't your fault. Anyway, we're gonna do lunch now. You comin'?"

"I ain't eaten more than beans in days." he grinned, forgetting Edison's tantrum and Tess' warning for the moment.

* * *

Edison and his wife sat away from the rest of them, and Shane caught the man scowling over at him every now and then. Shane wasn't liking the guy at all, but it was Tess' brother and he'd have to make nice even if that wasn't any way to treat your sister.

"Were you an army-man?" a little voice asked, and Shane looked away from Edison to see one of the boys stood before him. "You got hair like my daddy. He was an army-man. He took his tank to Atlanta to clean it up but I don't think he's coming home now. It's been ages."

"I was a police officer." Shane didn't know how to respond to the little boy, with his spiky black hair and big eyes. How did this kid already know his dad was dead? He couldn't have been more than six or seven.

"Did you drive around with your lights on?" He made a steering-wheel motion with his hands, and went "Nee-naw nee-naw!". He looked real happy about his impersonation of the police car, and it reminded Shane of something he'd seen a younger Carl do after he and Rick had given him a ride in their patrol car.

"Me and my partner, we used to catch the bad guys all the time." Shane thought of his last patrol with Rick, when he'd been shot and Shane had gone to that hospital every day, begging him to wake up. Lori needed him. Lori… no, he'd spent enough time thinking about her. He was in Griffin, miles away from Senoia. Rick had no reason to be here and Shane didn't want him to be.

"That's cool. I'm Jake, what's your name?" the kid thrust his hand out.

"Shane." he took the little hand, gently shaking it despite the kid's forceful attempts to do a strong shake. He didn't wanna hurt the kid.

"Are you living here now?"

He looked over to Edison, but then to Athena and Tess. They were watching him with the kid. "Maybe."

"Pleasepleasepleaseplease," he took a long breath, "pleasepleasepleaseplease-"

"Alright, alright. But you gotta be good, little man, go and eat your lunch." He reminded him of Carl and Shane needed the child to move away from him now 'fore he drove back to Senoia and finished it with Rick.

"I will." the kid beamed, and Tess shifted in the seat a few feet to Shane's right. When Jake had skipped back over to the other kids, and his food, she spoke.

"You're good with kids. You have any, before this?"

"No. My best friend though, he had it all. Wife, son."

"Were they part of your old group?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry that they're dead." she said, a sad smile on her face, and Shane didn't correct her. He didn't need them knowing the truth, not if he wanted to get away from Rick once and for all.

* * *

 **A/N : Okay so, while watching Season 1 and 2 again, I developed a soft spot for Shane and I really think that he wasn't a complete bad guy, he just got messed around by the group a lot. Thus, this fic was born where Shane leaves instead of being killed by Rick. Don't worry, the fic won't be all OC's. Team Family will be around again in the near future, no matter what Shane wants to happen, and we'll just have to see if Shane can deal by then.**

 **This story is T for now based on my plans, but that may go up to M depending on how the chapters go.**

 **Please let me know what you thought, if you think this fic is a good idea and if you also feel sad that Shane really was doomed from the start. : (**


	2. 2 - You Gotta Move On

**2 - You Need To Move On**

* * *

He sat in the dark. The bed below him was comfortable, even with the dust, but Shane didn't lie back and sleep. The moonlight came through the open windows, casting the man in pale silver rays that just barely provided enough light to see the outline of his reflection in the dresser mirror. Dark pools of shadow sunk into his face, his eyes in an unwavering eye contact with his own reflection. Shane stayed very still and listened to the noise in his head.

 _I'm sorry._

He thought he saw a fat figure in the darkness behind him. Its skin was all gone, a bloodied mix of bone with a rifle strung across its back. Shane turned, saw nothing but the hideous floral wallpaper and the pitch black, but could still hear the far-off screams.

The murderer took a deep breath, rubbing his chin. His silver chain glinted in the moonlight, hanging out from his t-shirt.

He'd saved Carl's life. Shane told himself that they would have all died if he hadn't done it, even as his gut twisted and he thought that maybe they could have made it without what he'd done. A ghost pain shot through his scalp and he ran his hands over his shaved head, felt the area that was still tender from where Otis had ripped his hair out.

Shane flinched away from his reflection. A dark figure had floated past the windows and a knock floated through the dividing wall a few seconds later. They were real. Shane moved, keeping his eyes open and on the window because when it was in the corner of his eye he was imagining either Otis or one of the group just stood outside, watching him. The wall was cold against his ear as he pressed against it to listen.

"I'm worried about him." he heard the first voice, female, ask. She sounded upset.

"Atticus, again?" the second said, and Shane found himself recognizing Tess' voice.

"He's just' getting steadily weirder. I know that we're all struggling to stay alive but...he asked if I'd be willing to help him stop you callin' the shots. Said he don't want no woman runnin' this place."

"I'll keep an eye on him. I know he's your brother but, if he does anything, he even tries anything, he's gone. We have to have rules."

"I don't know how I feel about sending my brother to his death out there." Athena, Shane thought.

"We got to do what we got to do. Just 'cause we don't know if it's gonna be the right call doesn't mean we shouldn't do everythin' we can to stay alive."

"We have to be just. We can't just be savages, Tess."

"That ain't what I'm sayin'. Nobody who's a danger to this group has any fucking chance of staying." A long pause, and then, "Go get some sleep 'fore this run tomorrow."

Shane heard footsteps and threw himself onto the bed quickly, the springs creaking below him, as the figure went back past the windows. He really needed to start closing those curtains.

Tess had a right to be like that. He almost admired it, but it meant she'd easily toss him out if she found out he'd lied. Shane didn't think he could contest it, not without hurting someone. There were kids here.

He twisted, feeling the knife under his pillow, and tried to push thoughts of Otis aside as he closed his eyes. He had to do it. That's what he told himself as he slept there, his fingers around his knife and his eyes firmly closed. Shane was fairly sure that if he opened his eyes, he'd see Otis again.

He needed to stop seeing Otis.

* * *

 _A gunshot went off. His gun. Shane looked at the gun he held, at the bleeding man on the ground. He kept firing, unable to stop as he kept pulling the trigger over and over._

 _Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang-_

He woke to the sound of knocking. Shane found his knife, still in his grip, but he realized he didn't have to hold it so damn tight because the figure in the window was blonde and human. The whole thing had been a dream. Glad that he wasn't back there, doing that, he let his eyes adjust to the sunlight pouring into the room.

Shane hadn't gone to sleep under the covers, so he didn't bother to fix the rumpled but still-made bed as he stood and padded over to the door. He probably looked like shit.

"Morning." Shane wincing as the sunlight came through the now open door. The woman was again dressed like she was half-cowboy half-cop with her boots and her taut bun.

"What?" he asked because he didn't know what else he could ask. Nobody had worried about him waking up for anything other than him taking a watch since they got to the farm. He still felt sour from his dream. Nightmare.

"We're having breakfast soon, and then we're goin' on a run. We need shit to fix up the wall," she said, looking at him with one eyebrow raised like she knew something he didn't. He chose to stare her down rather than moving away.

Shane noticed the dark-blue of her eyes that reminded him of the ocean. Shane hadn't ever seen the ocean, but her eyes were the same color as the ocean was in the honeymoon pictures Rick and Lori showed him. "I need you to keep watch, help Atticus and Edison out, while we're gone."

"I can do that."

"'No bullshit. You do anything to these people while I'm out, I will gut you." Half-serious, and yet still worrying. She made to move and Shane nearly closed the door in her face, but she held a hand out and said, "By the way, the shower works. No warm water since the generator's out, but the motel has its own water source."

Shane thought about the bloated walker they'd found in the farm's well.

"I won't do shit. I ain't like that." Shane said. He supposed that it wasn't actually a lie; he had no recurring thirst for blood. No want to kill in cold blood. Still, guilt needled his chest as he stood with her, watching him like she was just waiting for him to spill his secret. Maybe he was paranoid, like when Dale had been a piece of shit, comin' up to him and saying all this shit about him and Rick and Otis.

"You should grow your hair out. Bein' bald makes you look like a damn psycho." is all she said before she moved away, this time for good, with her cowboy boots thudding on the ground.

* * *

"So what's your story, stranger?" the voice didn't startle him. Shane had been sat on watch for a long while now and he hadn't missed the stares that Edison had been sending him. He'd been waiting for the silent man to say something for the last sweating hour in the sweltering sun. Fall hadn't yet kicked into high gear, even with the subtle changes in the leaves and the ever-stronger winds.

Shane almost yelled at the man. Hell, he wanted to, but sat there with the sun in his eyes and the wind raising goosebumps on his bare arms, he remembered that he didn't need to go making more enemies. "I was a cop."

"Military," Edison responds, "But I didn't serve all that long. Anybody tell you that I was on Survivor?"

"Tess did. I think I mighta even seen your season," Shane found himself remembering sitting in his front room with a girl, one who he'd thought could be to him what Lori was to Rick but turned out not to be, and her getting worked the fuck up about this manipulative asshole who'd betrayed everyone. "They got you back in the end for betraying them, didn't you?"

"Yeah. Can't believe that. Final four, but I got robbed." he said, "They even asked me to come back, do some sort of returning season. Missed opportunity. I suppose that million dollars wouldn't do me good right now but I still loved the damn show."

"You prefer this or that island?" Shane leaned back in the chair, almost at ease. He saw no walkers on the empty patch of road or the empty fields around. He bet that they could farm there, someday. But, did he really want to live in a motel for the rest of his life? Practicality was all that mattered now.

"Island. I always had somethin' I'd be comin' back to. The scariest thing about that was comin' home and everyone hating you on twitter and reddit," he said, "No society left now so I got nothing but my sister."

Shane said nothing. He was too busy thinking about the world to wonder why Edison didn't include his wife in that. He was sure that Tess mentioned the man having a wife.

Shane realized that his world wasn't as small as Edison's. He knew about the people at the farm, and he knew Morales was out there somewhere if he and his family weren't already dead, but for all Edison knew, they were the only people on the whole planet.

Everything was gone. Shane had never been a man who particularly gave a shit about the planet. Recycling didn't appeal to him, but he saw it now. Saw all the trash everywhere that no one was walking around and picking up.

Without people, the world was a fucking mess.

* * *

It was dark when they came back with obvious blood splatters on the side of the pickup. Shane was sat alone, again, and tried to act like he wasn't curious. If this place was gonna be enough to bring Lori and Carl to then he needed to know what was happening.

He shifted, sat under the shadowed shelter of the motel's upper walk because he thought it might rain but didn't want to pen himself in that little motel room.

Tess- he recognized her easily- climbed out of the truck first. She didn't look happy as she moved, stomping away from the pickup and leaving the other three behind in the pickup. Two of the triplets- Athena and the guy that wasn't Atticus, 'cause Shane knew Atticus had stayed back with them- and another woman that Shane thought was maybe Edison's wife but he hadn't been paying attention to the introductions all that much.

Shane saw Tess' feet disappear up the wooden staircase, but no one followed her. The other three stood together, speaking loud enough that Shane could hear them in the silent night.

"You think she's mad?" the woman who was very possibly Edison's wife asked.

"That's the third place we've tried and it was a hell of a lot worse than the other two; 'course the woman is pissed." Athena said, "Bet she'll organize another run tonight. Damn woman doesn't sleep."

The trio all went for the staircase, and when it became apparent that Shane wasn't going to get any more information from them by eavesdropping he stood too. It was getting late and Shane had agreed to take a watch in the early morning. The silence of the night was disturbed only by the sounds of doors thudding shut and, somewhere out in the darkness, a single bird cawing. A crow, maybe.

Shane made the way back to his room, pausing at his door to see that Tess' curtain was half-open and she had a light on. He could see her, illuminated by the stark white light as she perched over a map, a pencil in her hand and tourist-information leaflets around her.

The officer rapped his knuckled on the glass, and the blonde cast her eyes from whatever she was doing to him before climbing to her feet. He walked to her door as she opened it.

"You got a habit of lookin' through that window, huh?"

"Can't have the curtains open like that; it's dangerous."

"I was a little occupied." Tess stepped back, hair still pulled taut into a bun, and cast her eyes to the window before looking back to Shane, "You want to help? You might know somethin' I don't."

"What are you doin'?"

"Trying to find somewhere to get supplies."

Shane figured that helping plan a run was a good way to make himself more important in this group. He didn't like not knowing what was going on and not being able to make decisions.

"I'll help," he said, stepping inside the doorway and taking the door when Tess released it, closing it with a soft click. With the curtains fully closed over, the thick material keeping all the light from the camping lantern in, the room felt as though it was the only place in the world, just floating in some endless darkness, "They were sayin' you're angry."

"The warehouse was burnt down and surrounded by the dead. Fire must have been recent enough to draw them all there, so someone not too far from here did it." Tess sat back on the ground, next to her maps, and Shane considered taking the chair before joining her on the cheap tiled flooring, "We really needed to get something to patch up the wall, especially if there are people around here."

"Could do another run. Scout any areas out with a couple people. Means you ain't wastin' a whole day." Shane ignored that he knew people less than a day's drive from here. Ignored that he could ask Tess to bring them back to the motel because he'd gotten in the Hyundai instead of fighting Rick for a reason.

"That's the third place we've checked, damnit." Tess crossed her legs, elbows resting on her knees and her jaw moving, chewing at the nail of her thumb, "Priority is food and medicine, but that wall... if it comes down to it, it ain't gonna hold. Not long enough to get everyone out of here."

Shane ran his hand over his shaved head. He'd seen the wall and he knew exactly how vulnerable it was. How long before he had to make another tough decision just to keep himself alive?

No. He'd done that for Carl, not him. "Double the watch. Gives us more warnin'."

"We ain't got the numbers to double the watch, not without drainin' everyone."

"You wanna keep these people alive?" Shane would have argued that they find the military if he wasn't beginning to understand that the military was completely gone. Fort Benning was gone, probably everywhere else too. Shane knew he was depending on the slim chance of somewhere like that still existing, "Right decision's the one that keeps these people alive."

"That's all I've been tryna do since we put this place together."

"How'd you end up in charge?" Tess kept her head down, looking at the papers before her, and Shane absentmindedly picked up the closest map. There was a red x for their location on the highway, and it only took Shane a moment to figure out the way they'd come from and how to get back to the farm. How to get back to the only people he gave a damn about.

"I just started calling the shots and people listened. It isn't easy." Tess said.

"They all think that it's easier to tell 'em what to do. It ain't."

"You lead your old group?" Questions that he had to be careful about. If this was what creating an alibi was like, Shane was glad he'd been the cop and not the criminal. He actually felt worried.

"I did. They didn' like how I was doin' it, but I'll bet they realized it ain't all that simple."

"Sometimes I think that Edison wants to lead instead. He kinda thinks I'm making all the wrong decisions lettin' you in an' trustin' you." Tess kept eye contact with him as she said, "I only started lookin' for people, namely you, 'cause we need more able-bodied people here. He don't get that. He just thinks that someone is gonna come in here and take everythin'."

"Can't leave your camp undefended. You leave it a few men down and there ain't gonna be enough to protect it."

Atlanta. He still thought that Rick was wrong to leave. Merle Dixon's dead corpse was not worth the lives lost in that camp attack. Shane had done all he could to save everyone he had, no matter how small that number had gotten when Rick turned up.

"That how you lost your group?"

"My old partner thought a bag of guns and a dead guy in Atlanta were worth it. They weren't."

Shane had to remember that she thought his group had died in an attack and he couldn't say anything else about it. Yet, the lies coming from him were frustrating and making him remember Amy's dead corpse. He ran a hand over his face.

"I'm sorry." She paused, "Yeah, I think we should draft up a double watch. 'case someone falls asleep or somethin'."

Tess' features were stark in the white light, the lantern on the floor and casting a thick black shadow on the wall and ceiling behind her.

"You ever play shadow puppets as a kid?"

"Me and Edison-" Tess turned and saw what he was looking at. She smiled, raising one hand and making an oddly shaped dog.

It felt stupid, but- Shane put both hands up, did the shape he'd perfected in the first couple months of this. A butterfly. He could do a few, but the butterfly seemed right. "When this all started, I got my partner's wife and kid to safety. He was in the hospital and I couldn't- thought he was dead was dead. I did these for the kid every night on the tent wall when he was cryin' about his dad." paused, did the voice he'd always done with Carl, "Shane and Carl's shadow adventures."

"That's sweet," she smiled, lowering her hand because Shane already had and currently had his head tilted to the side and away from her.

It had been perfect, as perfect as the end of the world could get, before Rick came back. Shane woulda made like Jenner said if not for Lori and Carl. 'opted out.'

He lived for the people he gave a damn about and no one else.

"You wanna do some watches together?" Tess reaches up, fingers working the hair ties around her bun free, "I'm kinda sick of talking to my brother and Athena is basically my best friend but if she asks me about what's goin' on one more time I might lose it."

"Depends if you're gonna give us shifts in the dead of the night." He smiled, felt wanted by someone. Felt like joking about, "I ain't some vampire."

She'd pulled a pad of paper closer to herself, and now she was scribbling on it. "I always try and take the dawn shift. I like the mornin' when it's blue but the sun ain't up yet. Keeps away all those pesky vampires,"

"You never know. Anythin's possible when the dead are up an walkin'."

 _So, you believe in a blood-sucking dog?_

 _You believe in dead people walkin' around?_

Rick and Daryl. Shane hadn't meant to remember that conversation but there it was, glaringly obvious in his mind. Shane hadn't been Rick's partner for a long time now. He'd lost his brother when he'd left him in that hospital because he didn't know how to work the machines and he couldn't hear a heartbeat and he thought his brother was dead. His brother _was_ dead. Shane was alone now.

Somewhere between shooting that first walker in the station and Rick coming back, Shane had changed into something else. It was the only way to live. They'd all figure it out one day.

This world took a piece of you and it wasn't ever going to give it back.

"You good?" His eyes snapped up, landed on the waves of hair now falling around her face, on the concern in her eyes.

"You just kinda started starin' off into the distance."

Shane let out a loud exhale, ran his fingers over his head and wished that he could feel them tugging at hair he didn't have anymore. "I'm good."

He wasn't. He could feel himself falling down and down and Shane wasn't sure he'd climbed any higher in getting out of that dark hole. Leaving the farm had helped a little, but now he was thinking about _everything_ and it didn't feel better. Rick came back, ruined everything, but Shane hadn't done any better. Shane had aimed at his brother's head and put his finger on the trigger.

He hadn't pulled it but he'd meant to. He'd meant to. _Fuck_. Remembering their friendship, remembering him and Rick in high school, as partners, it was easier when he was away. When he wasn't looking at Lori and Carl and loving them.

When had it gone from him being like family, to wanting to be family?

Shane let one hand clutch his lower face. Exhaled and felt his warm breath force it's way through his splayed fingers. Both, for some reason, sat on the floor.

"Used to say how shit it was. Shit world, shit life, shit people." she was quiet, "I thought that the world was just that bad that the next World War was on its way. This... it's kinda like a slap on the face. Fucks with you. Fucks with everything you love."

"Should be easier. Self-sufficient, no factories makin' holes in the atmosphere or anythin'. Ain't, though." As he spoke, Shane let his eyes wander above her, to the mirror on the dresser, and the empty reflection of the back floral wall that was all white-light and shadows. His outline shadowed on the wall.

"It'd be good if you didn't feel bad or anythin'. Just do what you gotta without feelin' bad about it." Maybe she did get it. Why he'd done what he did to Otis. Save Carl. Save Carl had been on loop in his head and he'd done that. He felt bad, though, no cure for it but time and therapy that he didn't have.

She started suddenly, twisting to yank open the cupboard of the dresser and revealing a bottle of brown liquid, "Want a drink?"

He grinned, "You a secret alcoholic?"

"Just a bartender. Was."

It was stupid, but neither of them really had anywhere to be and Shane needed a pick-me-up. He could use a hell of a lot of those, actually.

"Bartender becomes the undisputed leader of some survivors? Ain't that a miracle?"

"Guess ordering drunks to call a taxi home and give you their keys gives you some leadership skills." She'd pulled two glasses from the cupboard, and now she was pouring the amber whiskey into them, "I'd ask if you want it on the rocks but the freezers don't work."

"Could snow," he shifted himself, butt going sorta numb on the floor but not really caring because he liked talking to people and he hadn't been able to be the jokester he'd been back in high school since before all this started, "Never had snow and whiskey before."

"Bet there's a reason. Don't eat brown snow?"

"Pretty sure that's talking about dog shit," Shane said and she laughed, even though it wasn't all that funny, and Shane was laughing too. Maybe this was better. Maybe just fuck Lori. He needed to stop thinking about them.

Shane took the glass when she offered it, and decided that he didn't need Lori and Carl to keep him alive.

* * *

And later, when he'd finally left her room and gone back next door, Shane didn't notice the figure that stood on watch watching him and not the road, and as he sat on the end of the bed and slowly unlaced his boots and tasted the whiskey in his mouth, he ignored the bloody figure of a devoured Otis behind him.

* * *

 **A/N: I'mma start off with a super big apology. I know I haven't updated in awhile, but I'm not abandoning this. With the new year comes new workload, and so I have to focus on that and don't have much time for writing at the moment. : ( I am wriggling in time to write, and the bus is my new favourite writing spot, so I promise I am continuing to write this.**

 **Second, I realise that throughout the stories and in these author notes, you guys from America may spot that I'm using irregular spelling. I'm actually british so it's normal for me to spell things with an s over a z, or with an ou instead of just an o. I do intend to keep to the american spelling but I sometimes forget, don't know, or just don't notice because of what I'm used to. I promise I can spell.**

 **So, I know that not much happens here. I'm trying to set the scene for it all, and I'd like to do it with more action involved but bus-writing is hard to plan out. I promise more action in the future, : ) .**


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